A failed history, fear and apprehension

Reflection: Shining a light on the past in the hope of evolution

Having progressed on an EdD for three years, and personally funding these efforts with another educational institution that resulting in me failing to complete I think I can be forgiven for having an overhanging sense of fear and dread. Perhaps selecting this as the first critical incident to review using a formal reflection model was not the best choice…That said it might prove to be a useful exercise. At such an early stage I decided it best to keep the theory to a basic level and for the purpose applied the Driscoll (1994) reflection Model. Driscoll’s model could not be simpler as it poses just three questions:

What? So What? Now what?

What: From 2012 to 2015 I was registered on a Doctorate of Education with another programme provider. My research focus on the impact multiple accreditation's were having on the student and faculty experience. In March 2014 on a transatlantic flight I fell resulting in me breaking 5 ribs (2 of which in 2 place). This resulted in a period of excruciating pain and ultimately I had to take a break from the programme. Prior to my scheduled return I emailed my supervisors with some questions so as to reinvigorate myself and indeed I had hoped them. My main supervisor (accidentally) replied all to an email from me to both supervisors that was clearly only intended for my co-supervisor. The content of the email implicitly and explicitly implied I was in fact only stalling and not committed to the EdD journey. As you could imagine having worked to build up a relationship of trust for three years not to mention investment of considerable personal funds, this caused me distress and anger.

So What: The implications of this transaction was a complete breakdown in trust between me and my supervisor. And while some may perhaps view this as a complete over reaction on my part, I was at the time almost in tears at the implications. I spoke with the co-supervisor, who to be fair was most understanding and we concluded that yes trust was irrevocably broken. I took the decision all be it with a heavy heart to withdraw from the programme. Reflecting now I wonder should I have fought harder to get this sorted, it seems a complete waste of 3 year’s effort, data collection and writing. It also causes embarrassment with the organisation as the research remains incomplete. It was a period of great self-doubt, and I began to question if doctoral study was for me. However, there is no point crying over spilt milk, it IS time to move on and learn.

Now What: Starting this new doctoral journey, it is clear that the management of the student – supervisor relationship must be proactively managed by me from an early stage. Clear communication and documentation of expectations from both side and management of an agreed project time line will be essential. Looking at the student handbook it seems this kicks in about 18 months into the programme once taught elements are complete. Reflecting now on this incident, even to this day builds a sense of fear and uncertainly within me. While fear raises our natural protective instinct perhaps it time to ‘Feel the Fear and do it anyway’ as Susan Jeffers 1998 book inspires.

And so to assignment one and beyond.......

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• Driscoll J (1994) Reflective practice for practise – a framework of structured reflection for clinical areas. Senior Nurse 14(1): 47–50

• Jeffers S (1998) Feel the fear and do it anyway. London; Random House Press